Monday, December 6, 2010

REALLY USEFUL INFORMATION

News people seem to feel it‘s their duty to advise us about things everyone already knows.  For example, “The highways are snow covered and icy.  Stay alert, slow down and stay in control.”  Or, “The temperatures are dropping down below freezing.  Be sure and wear a warm coat and several layers of clothing if you have to venture out.” 

Duh.  How about, “Wear a brightly colored bra that you can remove and hang from your car antenna if you get stuck in a drift.”  Even if your car—like most new models—doesn’t have a radio antenna, just the removal of a red lace bra is sure to bring a guy in a four-wheel-drive pickup to your side quicker than you can say World Wrestling Entertainment.

 Even if the snow plow hasn’t left a wall of ice behind your car, just getting out of the driveway is a major challenge. Since your garage is full of boxes of clothes and broken bicycles you have to remember to go out and start the car at least fifteen minutes before leaving to defrost windows and heat up the interior.  It’s okay to run out in your pajamas since all your neighbors are doing the same.  Just wear flip flops or something so you won’t rip all the skin off the soles of your feet as they stick to the ice.


Yes, it's broken, but it works.
Keep the snow brush in the back seat so you can clear off the driver side door before entering.  Without fail there will be a heavy layer of snow on the door that will fly inside upon opening.  This heap of cold wetness will settle on the seat resulting in an unnecessary wake-up call when you plop down while wearing those pajamas. 

Don’t wash the car in the winter.  Or, if you do, don’t lock it.  The locks will freeze solid and stay that way until June.

If this happens, and you drive a Geo Metro, you can usually get the hatch door open and climb in that way and squeeze between the bucket seats to get to the interior front door locks.  But don’t lose the flip-flops and be prepared for getting snow in the pajamas during this maneuver.  It will happen.  I know.

Even though you are all ready far past late, be sure to clear the snow from the roof of the car.  This may seem unnecessary, but the first time you drive across railroad tracks all the roof snow will come loose and slide forward across the windshield leaving you literally snow blind.

When you try to get back in the house the storm door may have accidentley locked.  This will occur when you‘re the last one to leave the house.  When this happens, dig your way to the basement window where your son sleeps...that window you’ve never been able to lock since that past curfew incident. Re-enter the house hoping no neighbors catch a view of those pajamas with the split seam.

If you’ve lived in snow country you already know these pointers.  If you don’t live in snow country, you’re already smart.

And when will auto manufacturers figure out how to keep the big chunks of ice from forming in wheel wells?  We have heated windows, and heated car seats; but still we have to deal with those gravel-filled glaciers that tear up the tires and fall off in parking lots to look like so many Yeti turds.

12 comments:

Jill said...

I so love this post, here in the UK we are having a long, unseasonable cold spell and the press are having a field day criticising local councils for not clearing the snow from the roads/airports etc quick enough and the fact that people cannot get to work, schools are closed and drivers are spending the night on snowbound motorways. But as this is an unusual occurrence here no one wants to invest in larger fleets of snow-ploughs and gritters. It is reassuring that in an area where snow is a yearly certainty you still find it a PAIN IN THE A**
Thanks for tips!!

Butternut Squash said...

'Yeti turds,' what a perfect description. I plan on using it often this winter. It fits so well with my Himalayan persona. Very useful! Truly, I am still only about 15 at heart.

CeeCee said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry all this stuff happened to you. Next time, just don't go to work. Stay inside, hot tea and a newspaper (which significant other picked up and delivered when he went out in his jammies to start his car).
OR
Move south. :)

Flea said...

You are brilliant! I love the colorful bra idea.

This is year four in Tulsa, so I'm still getting used to the occasional snow and ice storms. Our winters are much milder than yours. But I wouldn't know what to do if I was stuck somewhere. I'm going to have to make sure I wear my leopard print bra every time we get snow and ice.

TALON said...

My favorite winter past-time is kicking those chunks off the wheel wells. No, I'm serious - it is! :)

Kilauea Poetry said...

(Lol)..love the hanging the bra out and digging your way out of the basement window with a split in the pajamas (ha ha)! I agree, and wow, these photos are grim.. gee, this weather is sobering! Starting the car up like that (got to smile over the clutter) in the morning- what would that mean for all these hippies running around here in these neck of the woods on empty?! Yikes..a fun post and enjoyable frosty photos Leenie-

Mama Zen said...

This is hilarious! We don't get that much snow; we just have wrath of God type ice storms. I am most definitely going to stick a red lace bra in my glove compartment!

frayedattheedge said...

People in this country have been arrested for leaving their cars outside the house with the engine running .... guilty of 'enticement to steal' or some such thing!!

DayPhoto said...

I like the red bra....could you just imagine how much help you would get within minutes!

Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com/

Linda Sue said...

I think that horses and buggies might be better where you live- Horses at least could keep you warm-ish and if you really needed to - like if you were stranded you could abandon the buggy and hop on for the ride home.OR if you were REALLY stranded - well, there's flank steak right there!

susan m hinckley said...

Thank you for giving us news we can use! Actually, since I was already intimately acquainted with each of those facts, today your helpful hints were useful for a nice laugh. Which is just what I needed. What did I do for fun before your delightful blog came along?

Stay warm!

Janie said...

Ah, the joys of snow.
Love the red lace bra idea. I'll bet you've tried that one.
I can just picture you in your PJ's and flip flops climbing in the hatchback and then in through the basement window. Pretty hilarious stuff - as long as you're not the one doing it!