STUFF I'VE LEARNED part 1

Since my memory has always been bad and is getting worse, I began keeping a list of valuable information that I usually learned the hard way. And, although some mistakes are too fun to only make once, there are others that are best not repeated. Below is a portion of that list. As you can guess there is a good story to go with some of them. But this is a blog so I will not elaborate at this time.

*Don’t run with a Tootsie Pop in your mouth *Never let your mother comb your hair while she is angry *Don’t turn on the vacuum cleaner while you are holding the cat *Riding in a convertible with the top down on a warm day is more fun than riding in the back of a pickup truck with the dogs *A good paper grocery bag will hold water just long enough for you to drop it off the roof on your brother *Odds of bad things happening increase with darkness and heat. *Don’t eat Junior Mints during a long car trip (especially if you are wearing light colored pants) unless you can be absolutely certain you won’t drop any on the car seat *Drink all your lemonade before eating your cake *The ten second rule does not apply at the beach *Don’t wait until it stops snowing to shovel the driveway *It is impossible to improve and look good at the same time. And sometimes the harder you try, the more stupid you look. *Never let your husband trim the hedge with a chainsaw *When you are really alone…you can sing as loud as you want * When you sing as loud as you want—you scare the cat.

LIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL

I was teaching some nine-year-olds about the Beatitudes, specifically Matthew 5:15 Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

The point to be made was the importance of being a good example. I had to give them some background on the use of candles as a source of light and not just a cake decoration. Then I had to explain the term “bushel” as basket that would hold the amount of grain a person could lift and carry. To get the attention of children who had already sat through an hour-long meeting at lunch time, I brought a birthday candle stuck down in a little paper cup, and a small basket to put over it. I had them the minute there was flame. I gently placed the little basket over the candle began to expound. I realized I had their total attention. “Wow,” I thought, “I am really getting my message across.” Then I could smell something burning and saw puffs of smoke coming from the basket. The lecture stopped and I lifted the basket which was now taking on a toasted nature. While seven children watched in amazement I blew out the candle and waved the basket until the smoldering stopped. Then I segued into how a city on a hill cannot be hid. The class was still focused on the candle. “You are not supposed to set things on fire in the church.” one said. “You are right," I agreed, “But I bet you will remember not to put your candle under a bushel!” The scriptures are true. And the direction given us to not expand on what is in the lesson manual is true too.

BAREFOOT IN THE KITCHEN

I learned a long time ago that the best way to dish out punishment to children was to assign them cleaning duty. Although it made them mad at me, at least I got my cupboards cleaned. Grounding children not only makes them mad at you, but you get stuck babysitting. However, there are no children residents in my house right now. So I have been going through each of my kitchen cupboards over the past weeks to scrub and discard. Bleeech. I even had Hubby help me drag out the fridge so I could destroy the hairball monster and the slime lady that were living together there. The result was a kitchen floor that would pull your socks off. Bleeeeeeech. This floor is supposed to be “no-wax,” but it has taken a beating over the years. So I put on the wax, and then I have to strip it off every year or so when it turns gray. I use ammonia, which is great for the sinuses, (sarcasm here) and this time there was some elbow grease involved. It took most of the afternoon, and then both Hubby and I had places to go.

I told Hubby, since I would get home first, that I was going put down new wax. He was thinking food and was wondering if I would have things done so he could get to the fridge when he came in. I promised, yes. Then I realized I did not have enough wax to do the whole job. Finished evening meeting. Bought more wax. Put down a thin layer (still in my high heels) and had it dry before the man came home. In the middle of the night I woke up (I always wake up anyway) put down another layer of wax and slipped into bed. Hubby woke up and headed for the bathroom. Oh, No! What if he goes in the kitchen?! Should I yell, “Stay out of the kitchen!?” or just hope he does. I kept quiet. There was a flushing sound and he crawled into bed. I don’t think he even woke up. This morning I walked barefoot in the kitchen and enjoyed it.