A BUNCH OF STUFF I FOUND ON THE WEB THAT MADE ME SMILE

I'm at this very moment shopping online for a bigger basket.

My hubby is shopping online for army surplus camo.

A comment from the grave by my hero Carl Sagan.

Even Vladimir Lenin got things right once in a while.

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Winston Churchill

This one needed to follow the one above.

Stole this one from fishducky.

I posted this before but I brought it out again because I found the next one.

I can hear him talking in that Muppet Eagle voice,
"No matter how bad your day was, just remember,
someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell."

UNSETTLED

The weather forecast for the past few days has been, "unsettled." In just a few hours we've seen wind, rain, BIG rain, a tornado warning, hail, bright sun and warm, overcast and cool, and more wind.  The rain is welcome and well timed.  Most of the planting is done and growing things are thriving.

"Tomorrow is another day, and I'm thirsty anyway.  So bring on the rain."

Billy Montana and Helen Darling

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Speaking of quotes, here are a few I've collected lately:

~~No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

~~Life is ephemeral.  Don't waste it looking up big words.

~~Einstein developed a theory about space.  And it was about time, too.

~~I've learned so much from my mistakes--I'm thinking of making a few more.

~~Birthdays are good for your health.  

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

~~Remember who you are.  

Otherwise they will take you to the hospital and check your brain for injury.

REALLY USEFUL INFORMATION (revisited)

News people seem to feel it‘s their duty to advise us about things everyone already knows.  For example, “The highways are snow covered and icy.  Stay alert, slow down and stay in control.”  Or, “The temperatures are dropping down below freezing.  Be sure and wear a warm coat and several layers of clothing if you have to venture out.” 

Duh.  How about, “Wear a brightly colored bra that you can remove and hang from your car antenna if you get stuck in a drift.”  Even if your car—like most new models—doesn’t have a radio antenna, just the removal of a red lace bra is sure to bring a guy in a four-wheel-drive pickup to your side quicker than you can say World Wrestling Entertainment.

 Even if the snow plow hasn’t left a wall of ice behind your car, just getting out of the driveway is a major challenge. Since your garage is full of boxes of clothes and broken bicycles you have to remember to go out and start the car at least fifteen minutes before leaving to defrost windows and heat up the interior.  It’s okay to run out in your pajamas since all your neighbors are doing the same.  Just wear flip flops or something so you won’t rip all the skin off the soles of your feet as they stick to the ice.

Yes, it's broken, but it works.

Keep the snow brush in the back seat so you can clear off the driver side door before entering.  Without fail there will be a heavy layer of snow on the door that will fly inside upon opening.  This heap of cold wetness will settle on the seat resulting in an unnecessary wake-up call when you plop down while wearing those pajamas. 

Don’t wash the car in the winter.  Or, if you do, don’t lock it.  The locks will freeze solid and stay that way until June.

If this happens, and you drive a Geo Metro, you can usually get the hatch door open and climb in that way and squeeze between the bucket seats to get to the interior front door locks.  But don’t lose the flip-flops and be prepared for getting snow in the pajamas during this maneuver.  It will happen.  I know.

Even though you are all ready far past late, be sure to clear the snow from the roof of the car.  This may seem unnecessary, but the first time you drive across railroad tracks all the roof snow will come loose and slide forward across the windshield leaving you literally snow blind.

When you try to get back in the house the storm door may have accidentley locked.  This will occur when you‘re the last one to leave the house.  When this happens, dig your way to the basement window where your son sleeps...that window you’ve never been able to lock since that past curfew incident. Re-enter the house hoping no neighbors catch a view of those pajamas with the split seam.

If you’ve lived in snow country you already know these pointers.  If you don’t live in snow country, you’re already smart.

And when will auto manufacturers figure out how to keep the big chunks of ice from forming in wheel wells?  We have heated windows, and heated car seats; but still we have to deal with those gravel-filled glaciers that tear up the tires and fall off in parking lots to look like so many Yeti turds.

THE LEMMINGS ARE GAINING ON ME

Zombies want brains.  I'm safe.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe.

So basically a clown ninja.

I went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than two minutes.

When posting on Facebook status, there is a fine line between, 

"What's on your mind?" and

"I should probably see a therapist about this."

"...and when you get older and have your own children and

THEY make YOU go batshit-wingnut  crazy,

I will laugh and laugh and..."

I'm not anti-social.

I just prefer not to deal with your drivel.

If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic.

I'm not short.  I'm fun-sized.

HOW'S THAT AGAIN?

Why I'm scared to shop at Walmart

Yeah

Questions:

Why do we need a Num Lock key?

Why is it so impossible to make grocery tomatoes taste like garden tomatoes?

Why is it no matter how carefully you stir your hot breakfast cereal

there will always be at least one lump?

Why can't there be a mobile device screen we can read in the sunlight?

Why aren't there bagels that fit in toasters?

Why is toilet paper attracted to my shoes?

Why can Goofy talk but Pluto can't?

Wisdom:

If you're tired of others looking down on you,

maybe it's time to grow up.

Less isn't more when you're standing next to someone

with a whole lot more.

Minds are like parachutes.  Just because you've lost yours

doesn't mean you can borrow mine.  And they work best

when they're open.

Nothing is solved when you get your knickers in a knot

and it makes you walk funny.

BELIEVE HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE AND NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR

Hiding under your desk will keep you safe from a nuclear bomb.

 Eating vegetables will help the starving children in China.

Fondue is a food of the future.

The Beatles will never last.

Father always knows best.

Women belong in the home.

Women shouldn't be paid as well as men.

Women aren't strong enough to run a marathon.

Women can have it all.

The world is black.  The world is white.

Presidents never tell a lie.

The United States will save the world from communism.

BUT

Hawks and doves are not as dangerous as

the cuckoos in Washington.

Mini skirts make your legs look sexy.

Pony tails make men look sexy.

Smoking makes you look glamorous.

Smoking does not cause cancer.

Bulbous bouffant

Even though the baby boomers have contributed more to Social Security

than any other generation, the politicians have carelessly spent over

$150 billion of our tax dollars so the retirement, disability and the

financial future of our children is in jeopardy.

STUFF I'VE LEARNED part 11

Last night I found myself caffeine buzzed, wide awake and internet surfing.  I saw a few things I really wish I hadn't, learned some stuff and stole some photos. But, hey, if it's online it must belong to the world, right?

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Maybe the reason for the obesity epidemic is everyone is standing in their shower using hair products which are supposed to add volume and body.  Shouldn't we be using that dish soap which claims it: "Takes grease right out of your way."?

Before you criticize someone--walk a mile in their shoes.  Then you'll be too far away for them to hear you and you'll have their shoes so they can't run after you.

Avoid writing down or sharing photos of anything that could embarrass if made public.

I have a very firm grasp on reality.  I can reach out and strangle it at any time.

Never put both of your feet in your mouth at the same time 

because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

If you type askew into Google search the whole page tilts.

Check it out and come back and tell me if it isn't true.

For more of my "Stuff I've Learned" Click on the post label link below.

SAY CHEEZE

Some pictures I’ve stolen from the internet that made me smile.

After looking at this one again I hope the cow was 

helped over her jumping indiscretion without damage.

In fact I was wondering at two a.m. how to moooove her safely.

Didn't come up with a good answer.

...and one of my favorites...

THE WORDS OF THE PROPHETS ARE WRITTEN ON THE SUBWAY WALLS

Just random stuff I’ve collected from the web,

 from friends and from that Weirdo living in my head.

Valuable strategy for organizers, directors, people in charge, spouses—

“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the heck 

you were gonna do anyway.  

If caught, pretend you didn’t know 

whatever you were doing was against the rules.”  GB

Don’t you just hate leaving the house looking good (for once) 

and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.

It is difficult to differentiate between hunger and boredom.

 Makeup can make you pretty on the outside.  

But it doesn’t help if you’re ugly on inside (unless you eat the makeup).

There is just no good way to fold a fitted sheet.

Cats have poltergeist radar.

 Some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 Google Maps needs an "Avoid Scary Neighborhood" option.

I can look at my watch three times and still not know what time it is.

How come I can’t find my keys in my pocket or my cell phone in my purse

 but I can find and hit the snooze button in the dark at three feet away, eyes closed?